i want to put my christmas lights up...gotta figure out how, though.

something is missing...perhaps it is just seasonal depression or whatever you call it.

jealousy is a terrible poison. why do i hold on to this? i know better, i do. i could be reminded more often, but despite, i do know better. i don't want this anymore. time to clean house. am i really going to start a brand new year like this? it's a perfect excuse for a clean start that's why we have these silly resolutions...thinking that this will be the year we make things happen. i'm actually not looking forward to another year...of all of this. i have to do this all over again? i want change and lots of it...i just don't know what that means. i know what change i want in one aspect. i guess i'm just not strong enough to be in something like this. am i wrong for wanting everything? it's too unpolished...too unpredictable...just not enough...for me, at least. i like being able to throw my entire self into something like this. when i see that i have to limit myself i just don;t see the need to keep it going. always questioning why it even exists. but maybe the fact that it does exist means something. something is keeping it alive. but why do i have to keep asking why? i don't know either.

maybe it's not even this. perhaps it's the extra baggage. it doesn't belong to me. it never did. and still a year later it's here. or have i been continuing to recreate what i am so used to feeling and justifying it with factual, but nonexistent situations and feelings? hmmmm! who the fuck knows or cares. (i do, yes, but i really don't want to)

i need to figure out what i want. one new year's resolution is me quitting my job with the disgusting upper east side, european society. i hate them all. even if i don't know them. they make me hate life every time i go into work. NO MORE YOU FUCKING EURO TRASH!

well that's something. at least i know something about me.

doesnt hearing a ringing in ur ear mean something?...like when the link to ur necklace is infront, that means someones thinking of you...or talking about you? i think ringing means something, too...

is it possible to feel nothing sometimes? but a good nothing...like ur in limbo..sort of. even though the church extirpated the term "limbo"...their bad.

anyway...i feel like im in limbo, but a good limbo. waiting patiently on the next move...having no idea where it could go. well, not "no" idea, but a vague idea. i feel like it's too good to be true. us...it still continues to surprise me. i think im just numb because i've never been legitimately happy. ive never had to not be worried or upset. i could never just be happy and secure. its a weird feeling, lol. hopefully im not jinxing anything...i'll stop while im ahead!

:)

so i just remembered about seahorses................i love seahorses.

there's no way one cant love them. try to, i dare you.

perhaps im too dependent...


this summer will be good for us i think. more wanting, less needing...bittersweet.

have it.
...gotta have it,
cant live without it...??

too much!

slooowww dooowwnnn hoorrsseeyyy

the summer will be good indeed.

see you when i see ya....baahhhhhhhhhh

so technically i still have like.....16 hours?.....


why is this so hard for me?

so this is what it feels like to be happy. gooootttt ittttt.

and no, no theres not another boy that i need to make me happy...though they do make me happy...

its the potential in my all aspect of my life that makes me happy. verrryy happy.

i can NOT wait to get back to the city of dreams...ohhhh how i miss my life there. ive had a very good time down here, dont get me wrong. i love my family as disfunctional as they are. we all have our horror stories, lol.

ayyyyy im just a nice, overall happy anddddd thatttttt is wonderful.

and im in love with the beach and the moon.

more so the moon, but dont let the beach know that. verry jealous...

tonite was my first national tour debut as FAITH in brooklyn the musical.

it was amazing.

it was awesome.

and i fucking rocked it.

hell to the yeah.


"I play Faith"

well....not actually going back, but im here! plane ride went niiiiceee and smooth. 3.5 hours and it wasnt bad at all. and i was actually good, too. the weather is unbelievably nice here. its in the 70's and walking around i was actually cold. i needed a jacket and it was around 4 or 5pm. good stuff.

have new photo albums up on facebook so heres the link! theyre fun!

http://mmm.facebook.com/photos.php?id=27101290&l=28755

so go look itll be fun, lol.

anyway, tomrw julie and i are going to san frannnnn to go visit alkatraz...cant spell that. thats that famous jail tht some mobster stayed at...cant remember his name? hes like really known too....im an idiot. anywho, yeah so were doing tht. and were gonnna see her friend in a chorus line b4 it moves to bway so thts kinda awesome.

hmm...what else? last nite, as u can see from the pics, went to a gay club last nite and had a blast. a sober blast, mind you, lol. drag queens and dirty dancing just the way i like it! lol it was fun fun funnn.

loving california baby! PEACE THE FUCK OUT TEXAS!

i didnt derserve this.

i can upload my pictures!!! yayyayyayaya!!!

heres a link to my facebook albums so you can see them all if u wanna!

im soo happy! its so funny how happy it makes me lol....fuckn loser haha.

whatever! its the little things in life!

http://mmm.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2005605&l=d7fa1&id=27101290

and the second album is here

http://mmm.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2005604&l=49edf&id=27101290

check em out!

yyaya!!

HALLELUJAH!